You Might Be a Republican If…

Posted: January 14, 2008 in Uncategorized

How to tell if you’re a good Republican, if such a thing exists:

1. If you think the minimum wage is bad for America, but CEOs claiming multimillion-dollar salaries and huge bonuses while putting thousands out of work due to their own incompetence and bad management isnt, then…

You might be a Republican

2. If you think America actually has a health care system that works, then…

You might be a Republican

3. If you believe Bill Clinton was an unprincipled, amoral politician who used the military as a proxy for his own warped agenda, but Bush is a righteous, honorable man and inspired leader, then…

You might be a Republican

4. If you think the Clinton tax increases slowed the economy to a halt but the Bush upper-class tax cuts led to unprecedented growth, despite all available evidence, then…

You might be a Republican

5. If you think Islamofascists trying unsuccessfully to destroy our country from without are a greater threat to the Republic than the Christofascists trying successfully to destroy our country from within, then…

You might be a Republican

 6.  If you believe the Earth was created 6,000 years ago and Satan put dinosaur skeletons in the ground to deceive us, then…

You’re an idiot.  You might also be a Republican

7.  If you think government is always evil, and that’s why your party should be in charge of it, then…

You might be a Republican

8.  If you think having the government in charge of providing health care coverage is somehow worse than 40 million Americans not having any coverage at all, then…

You might be a Republican

9.  If you think homeowners who got burned by the credit industry during the housing bubble burst DON’T deserve a bail-out, but the credit industry responsible for the disaster DOES, then…

You might be a Republican

10.  If you think Bush’s assertion that God told him to invade Iraq is a sign of his great faith, and not a dangerous delusion unworthy of a world leader, then…

You might be a Republican

11.  If you don’t see the truth in any of these jokes, then…

You might be a Republican

12.  If you’re laughing your ass off, and have already thought of ten more good ones, then…

You might NOT be a Republican.  Congratulations, you can think for yourself!  Please post any good ones you think of here!

 

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Comments
  1. – If you can’t tell the difference between a Socialist, a Communist, and a Marxist, and summarily believe that every Democrat is all three.

    – If you adamantly oppose government expansion under a Democratic administration, but are perfectly alright with government expansion under a Republican administration.

    – If you think Iraq had anything to do with 9-11.

    – If you would do anything to preserve the life of a fetus, but won’t lift a finger to help that same baby once it’s born until it reaches military age.

    – If you think prayer in school is more important than a good education in school.

    – If you believe that Bill Clinton is somehow to blame for every bad event from 1-20-1993 onward.

    – If you have ever called someone a ‘pinko’ or ‘commie,’ especially someone who demonstrably is neither.

    – If you hate Al Qaeda for blowing up the World Trade Center, but love Eric Rudolph for blowing up abortion clinics.

    – If you think that wearing a flag lapel pin is more important than living up to the Constitutional law of the land.

    – If you support the NRA because they defend the Second Amendment, but oppose the ACLU because they defend the entire Constitution.

    • Ooh! I got a few more!

      – If racial slurs are staples of your vocabulary.

      – If you feel that a constitutional ban on gay marriage is necessary to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Score double if you’re also an habitually abusive or unfaithful spouse. Score triple if you’ve also been divorced at least twice.

      – If you get a stiffy from Ann Coulter’s adams-apple or chiseled man-jaw.

      – If you believe Ebenezer Scrooge was a spineless sellout.

      – If you fly Taiwanese-made American flags on your Japanese-made SUV whilst calling your spouse on your Korean-made cell phone, and claim to believe in the “Be American, Buy American” bromide.

      – If your guns get fondled more frequently than your wife.

      – If you physically and verbally assault anyone who fails to stand at attention and salute the flag when Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be An American” plays at any time.

      – If you don’t see a parallel between Bush believing that he was on a mission from God and Osama bin Laden believing the same thing.

      – If you would be horrified to learn that Jesus was actually a long-haired, dark-skinned, peacemongering Jew.

      – If you know that without the United States, the French would’ve lost World War II to Germany, without realizing that without the French, the United States would’ve lost the American Revolution to Britain.

      • Afrit007 says:

        – If you habitually use the words “fascist” and “socialist” interchangeably to describe President Obama and any plans he comes up with, without actually understanding what either of those words means.

  2. Afrit007 says:

    Excellent!

    – If you believe wealth redistribution is fine as long as the wealth goes from the poor to the rich…

    – If you only notice class warfare when your side starts losing…

    – If you’ve read Atlas Shrugged and think it’s a great work of philosophy and fiction…

  3. Afrit007 says:

    If you think the TV series “24” presents accurate and factual depictions of how interrogations should be done, you might be a Republican.

  4. Afrit007 says:

    If you think any time a member of a minority group gets a job that a white male is turned down for, it’s because of “Affirmative Action”, you might be a Republican.