Citiots on Parade

Posted: March 29, 2009 in citiots, clueless, waste, wealth
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In my never-to-be humble opinion, anyone who uses the phrase “second home” without referring to the one they just sold and moved away from should be covered in molasses and staked out on an anthill.  There’s no such thing as a “second home” because no one, repeat, NO ONE, has more than one home.  You may own more than one property, or possess an extra residence or two (or seven, if you’re a McCain), but calling any of the additional buildings “homes” is an outrage.

I especially hate the legions of so-called “second home owners”, wealthy Long Islanders and Manhattanites who flock north on the weekends to visit communities about which they know nothing and care less, except when said communities try and install things like wind turbines and cell phone towers on their own land.

If you live in upstate New York, especially in the Catskill region, you’re probably already familiar with these people.  Every weekend or so they migrate north, hordes of mostly white, upper middle class, SUV-driving assholes with their obnoxious accents, arrogant attitudes and insufferable little brats in tow.  Some even have weekend businesses that they pretend to operate (to varying degrees of competence) while they’re here.

They’re the reason house prices in the Catskill region are currently running at 50 to 100% above affordability.  These people started noticing the “cheap” real estate up here about 30 years ago and started buying up land and houses left and right, whether they needed them or not.  Today an area with a median family income of $34,000 has median house prices still hovering near $180,000.  That’s six times the average salary, or about twice the recommended affordability index (2.5x annual income).

And the faux-liberal New York Times has now treated us to this – an article printed yesterday all about how to keep your bored brat from trashing the back seat of your Hummer on the trip to your so-called “second home”.  Read on:

IT’S the weekend routine. Almost every Friday everyone piles into the car for the trip to the weekend house. You and your spouse or partner alternate between private thoughts, casual conversation and listening to a favorite song that has popped up on the radio.

Every 15 minutes or so your attention may turn to the back seat, and for the umpteenth time you command a smaller version of yourself to stop kicking the back of your seat. Or you deal with, again, one of childkind’s eternal questions: “How much longer?”

The drive is never going to be the best part of second-home ownership, but it doesn’t have to be two lost hours going and two lost hours returning. And, for the back-seat crowd, it doesn’t have to be endlessly boring.

The poor dears.  Their lives are so hard, spending endless hours traveling to their parents’ “weekend retreat”.  I’m sure those of you who are having trouble paying the mortgage on your first home, or perhaps wondering where next month’s rent money is going to come from, can sympathize.  The horror of it all!

It gets better.  Apparently one enterprising extra-dwelling owner (I don’t call them “second homes”, there’s no such thing) was so concerned for her children’s mental health on these long trips that she decided to start a business catering to assuaging the consciences of wealthy Citiots while simultaneously massaging their inflated egos and squeezing their wallets.  Among the more ridiculous items available at Madallie.com are:

  • the “Cuppa Knitting to Go” kit, which includes a ball of yarn and some knitting needles in a convenient cup-holder sized container.  A perfectly reasonable $21.95 for items that might cost you about six clams at Wal-Mart or Target.
  • the “15 Puzzle”, an upscale version of the dime-store square puzzle things that have 15 sliding blocks in a plastic square.  At just $11.95, this will run you just about ten times what you’d normally pay for similar items.  But of course, if you’ve got the money for a house on the Island and another in the Catskills that you don’t fucking need, paying 12 bucks for a 50 cent toy shouldn’t faze you.  In fact, you probably deserve to be taken for a ride.
  • Travel Bingo, for $11.95.  This may actually be fairly priced, since updated travel bingo games can be hard to find.  Though I’m pretty sure my parents picked ours up at a yard sale for 25 cents each.  I never could spot that darn traffic cop…

And so on.  The article goes on to recommend other diversions such as listening to e-books or instructional CDs, or playing 20 questions with the kiddies.

Here’s a thought.  Maybe instead of imposing their odious presence on the actual residents of the Upstate counties, they could stay home for the weekend instead.  Or instead of buying real estate they don’t need and shouldn’t have, upscale downstaters could be resonsible citizens and stay in a hotel on the weekends.  If they did that instead, maybe housing prices in the Catskill region will drop to affordable levels and we all can own an adequate house, instead of home ownership being a privilege reserved for the wealthy few.  It would also stimulate the economies of the communities the hotels serve, by providing jobs and supporting local businesses.

It might also make us feel better about being invaded every weekend by Citiots.

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Comments
  1. NG Lynd says:

    This is hilarious. I actually sat here and laughed as I read this.

    Faux liberalism/liberal elitism is continuing to worsen, I am glad to see that at least some on the left are seeing it. Certainly not all liberals are elitists, but have you picked up on the liberal backlash against the populist left? As if all populists are going to incite horrific violence, or desire a far-left economic agenda. How dare we be angry over the bonuses, when so many working people lost everything in this recession.

  2. Afrit007 says:

    Have I picked up on the liberal backlash? Oh, yeah. When the going gets tough, the elite do everything they can to maintain their positions.