Archive for the ‘waterboarding’ Category

Hey, kids!  Let’s have some fun with right-wing jackass and Faux Noise stuffed suit Sean Hannity!  It’s been nearly two months since he said he’d volunteer to be waterboarded “for charity”.  He still hasn’t done it, despite the fact that his colleague and friend Erich “Mancow” Muller did, and decided from his experience that it is, in fact, torture.

I’m not entirely sure why Hannity hasn’t done it yet, but I have a theory.  You see, like every other right-wing asshat who defends the so-called “enhanced interrogation methods” employed by Dick “Torquemada” Cheney, Hannity is a pussy.

He’s a yellow-bellied, lily-livered, asslicking, lying buffoon.

And next week will be the two-month anniversary of his pussyhood.  Let’s all have some fun and send him a pussy to help him celebrate it!  Here’s a picture of a nice, wet one that I’m sure he’ll appreciate:

Wet Pussy

See, it’s even got a yellow background, just like Sean himself!  Just download it, copy it, or whatever, and send it with your comments to hannity@foxnews.com.  Or send one of your own pictures if you prefer.  Please, no pornography though, tempting as it may be.  I don’t want to give him any more talking points.  Keep it humourous.

One thing that’s been firmly established about Dick Cheney is that he’s a liar.  Another is a that he’s a coward.  He’s a lying coward who’s more than willing to sacrifice other men and women to serve his worthless causes, but lacks the courage to put his own sorry ass on the line for them.  So when this little nugget came up on Faux News’ “On the Record” with Greta Van Sycophant, I had to wonder if someone had accidentally slipped truth serum in his daily serving of human blood:

“On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9-11, there was never any evidence to prove that,” he told the “On The Record” host in a joint interview with his daughter Liz. “There was “some reporting early on … but that was never borne out,” Cheney said.

This brief bout with, erm… reality?  Conscience?  Truth? … didn’t stop him from throwing his former puppet boss under the bus, however:

“George … did say and did testify that there was an ongoing relationship between al-Qaeda and Iraq, but no proof that Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

Interesting.  The Dark Lord of the Sith seems to be realizing that he won’t get away with it forever.  Next he’ll be telling us that KSM and others were waterboarded at Gitmo in order to create a false link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.

As if we didn’t already know that.

Until yesterday, the only media personalities who actually had the courage to submit themselves to waterboarding have been mainly from the left.  Though some may have been skeptical at first, all were arguably predisposed to believe waterboarding and torture are, at the very least, synonymous.  That is, that waterboarding is torture and therefore illegal and immoral.  All their experiences did was confirm their own preconceptions.

Until now.  Finally, a conservative radio talk show personality has had the integrity to find out, once and for all, for himself what waterboarding feels like.  No, unfortunately it’s not Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage or G. Gordon Liddy.  Erich “Mancow” Muller volunteered to do what Sean Hannity said he’d do a month ago and has so far been too much of a

to do it.  Here’s the video:

The best quote from that video, of course, is “I do not want to say this.  Absolutely torture.”

My hat is off to Mancow.  He lasted 6 seconds, probably about 4 seconds longer than I would have.  If Hannity had done it, that’d be $6,000 to charity from Keith Olbermann.

It’s been a busy time lately, but I still like to keep up with the news.  So, in a nutshell, here’s my take on … fuck it.  Here’s some shit to read:

Dick “Torquemada” Cheney: I used to wish he’d go away and die slowly, but I’ve changed my mind.  Who needs waterboarding when you’ve got a paranoid motormouth for an ex-Veep?  Every time he opens his fat yap he reveals more secrets he probably didn’t want anyone to know.  Keep it up, Dick.  The cameras are still rolling, and everything you say WILL be used against you.  Traitor.

Miss California: Nice tits.  You, however, may shut up already.  We’re not interested in your mind, only your body.

Rush “Fat Bastard” Limbaugh: Just shut the fuck up.  We’re not even interested in YOUR tits, even though they are bigger than Miss California’s.

The (non)release of Torture pictures: For God’s sake, Mr. President, grow some balls already.  It’s not the fucking pictures that people are upset about, it’s the fact that we tortured people.  The sooner we prosecute and the perpetrators, the sooner we can put this behind us.  Throw Dick in the dock and Bush behind bars and move on.  Or face this issue for the next four to eight years.

Sean “Waterboard Me” Hannity: It’s been three weeks, asshole.  Even Keith Olberman called you a pussy.  Or did you miss the “here, kitty” comment just before “Oddball” last night?  Come on, are you a man or a mouse?  Oh, wait.  You’ve never served on active duty.  I guess we know the answer to that.

Torture Defenders: You’re all going to hell, you know.  Every last one of you, even the so-called “Christians” among you.  Because torture is not just a crime, it’s a mortal sin.  And defending it makes you guilty of it.  You know what’s the best part about occupying the moral high ground?  I’ll never have to change my mind about this. Torture is wrong.  Waterboarding is wrong.  And anyone who defends it is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Sarah Palin’s Book Deal: Oh, please, don’t get me started.  This is a comedian’s dream come true.  The woman who can’t form complete sentences without a TeLePrompTer is going to write a BOOK?  OMFG!  YGBSM!  LOL!  Shit, I think I just wrote her first paragraph for her.  Oh, wait – I’ve got the title, too!  How’s “The Audacity of Hypocrisy”?  Or maybe “Goin’ Rogue”?  How about “Throw Alaska Under the Bus”?  Or “How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying”?

Wow.  Just when you thought the extreme right couldn’t get any more idiotic, they go and up the ante on us.  Apparently, according to Hannity, Limbaugh, Ingraham et al, we’re to believe that Obama putting spicy Dijon mustard on his cheeseburger is some kind of “un-American” outrage.  Here’s Sean “Waterboard Me” Hannity criticizing the President for his choice of ground beef condiment:

What kind of guy puts Dijon mustard on a cheeseburger?  Um, how about an ADULT, Sean?  Someone who’s not 12 years old any more and has decided ketchup and (bleah) French’s yellow mustard is, well, kids’ stuff?

I put Dijon on my hamburgers, Sean.  And A-1 Steak sauce.  Got a problem with that?  I also put feta cheese and mushrooms on ’em when I feel like it.  Because I’m an American, dammit, and that’s my personal, free choice.  I haven’t put ketchup and French’s on my burgers since I discovered good-tasting condiments.  Like A-1 and Gulden’s Spicy Brown mustard.  I suppose that makes me somehow “elitist” or “unAmerican” in the eyes of such great American heroes as Sean “Towelface” Hannity.

This is what the right wing has been reduced to – criticizing Obama for irrelevant shit because they can’t really say anything of substance about the issues.  What a pathetic bunch of pansies.

To commemorate the first seven days of Sean Hannity showing his true colors (yellow), I’m proud to introduce my latest line of bumper stickers.  I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clean, simple design and clear message:

Waterboard Sean HannityClick on the pic and check it out!

Funny thing about spouting off at the mouth in public; people sometimes take you up on your word.  If you visit SeanHannity.com and search for “waterboard” or “waterboarding”, this is what you get:

hannity-waterboard1

Gee, I wonder why?

It’s been a week and his nose is still dry.  In a way, this is more fun than actually seeing it happen.  Hannity’s put himself between a rock and a hard place here.  Either he

a) backs out and doesn’t put our money where his mouth (and nose) is, thereby proving to the world that he’s a liar and a coward; or

b) he submits to the full experience of waterboarding according to the methods described by the CIA memos, in which case he will in all likelihood crack and be forced to admit waterboarding is torture and the Bush administration are therefore war criminals.

Of course, to get the full experience he must first be subjected to the full range of “enhanced interrogation methods” used by the CIA.  To wit:

  • Six or more days of sleep deprivation
  • Being held in “stress positions” for hours at a time
  • Forced confinement in a small box filled with insects (or whatever creepy thing Sean is afraid of, perhaps Nancy Pelosi)
  • Being slapped around for several minutes, time TBD
  • Alternating freezing and hot room temperatures

All at the same time.  Then, and only then, should he be waterboarded.

But we all know he won’t do it.  He’s a coward, a liar and a fraud.